Is It Okay to Cuss?

Have you ever cussed before? If yes, when and where and why?

Growing up, I was taught that cussing is very bad and if any of us cussed or say any vulgar words - we would be punished. 

Now that I have grown up, things changed. Heh. Read on first before you start assuming things in your head. Hah. These are all my opinions only okay - so even if it is not a popular one and everyone disagrees with me, it is absolutely fine with me - just don't throw eggs at me hah. 

I still think that it is not okay to cuss - not out loud anyway. What are the intentions of using cuss words? What is the message that you want to convey by using the cuss words? To make your conversations more dramatic?

Now, I can testify that prior to becoming a mother, I have gotten very frustrated before (to the point of crying) and upset and whatsoever right, but nothing that was able to compare to the intensity of these same emotions after becoming a mother to two kids. 

The intensity of those frustrations is usually tripled and I find myself just want to cuss so I could feel better. Don't ask me why and how I got that "idea" that cussing could sort of help take some frustration away - because I don't have the answer to that. 

It's funny because it is not something I would usually do or want to do. So, it's a mystery for me too.

Anyways, at times when I needed to let out my frustration (could be caused by kids melting down for the lamest reason or they accidentally hurt me physically while doing something they were told not to do or spilling water all over the floor after I have just cleaned up the house or just upset with certain situations or people), I could not because the kids are with me and watching. 

So, I would run (okay maybe not run so dramatic but go) to my room, plant my face deep into a pillow, and shout really loud (but muffled) and long, "f***!!!!"

Of course, before doing that, I will make sure that the kids are not in the same room with me. 

Or sometimes I will go to the toilet (or anywhere with no one else around), and let out a whispered but firm frustrated cuss. And yes, I will feel much better after that - almost instantly. I don't know what is the magic behind it la, to be honest. I just know that it works and I will feel much better after that. 

Having said that, I realized that it was slowly becoming like a "habit" (I don't get that kind of intense frustration often okay please ah) and every time I had to let out a cuss, I felt bad. My mind would start thinking of other ways to "let off" an instant frustration but this seems to work the best. This means I will not end up screaming at my kids or intentionally starting an unnecessary argument with Adrian. 

And I finally came to a justification (for me) to be okay (and not feel bad) for needing to use the f*** word in silence. 

And that is, as long as my intention of cussing is not to hurt someone else, and not to cause anyone to stumble and no one is hearing it (except God I guess heh) - then it is okay. I always only do it in the secret anyways. 

For me, I will always ask myself if I want Alex and Sofia to cuss (at any point in their life) and my answer is absolute no. At least not with the intention to hurt someone or to stumble people around them. 

FYI - You don't appear 'cooler' if you normalize using the cuss words. You also don't appear 'screwed up' if you use them. I would like to think that it is something that people sort of adapt to when they surround themselves with people who say it out in the open and somehow it has become like a language in itself. Maybe can like do self-control wan la. You know like how people spend some time in western country then when they come back here, their accent still remains western-ish? Can turn off wan la right. Self-control ni ma heh. 

I have friends who cuss out loud in their conversations and I love them the same as my friends who do not. So, don't be passing judgments around.

It's like smoking I guess. It's a habit that is hard to break and it is addictive. Hello, sometimes when I get frustrated a little also, I will go somewhere quiet and alone and say, "f***!". So I totally understand how hard it is to break the "habit" and "addiction" especially when it is something that helps you feel better. 

This is where self-control comes in. 

There were many times when either Alex or Sofia would go crazy in the car and they would cry all the way home, and all I wanted to do is cuss. But I would bite my lips and I would take few deep breaths. 

Then, there were times Adrian would be working at the dining table and got frustrated with a certain situation, and he would walk into his 'gym room' and cuss (instead of saying it in front of us). Of course, sometimes I can still hear him because his whisper is not a whisper and his cuss words vocabulary is wider haha. In this kind of situation, I would talk really loud or sing to Alex and Sofia so they won't hear him. This is called teamwork la okay. Hah. 

This does not mean that we are screwed up. This means that we are humans and that we are trying. Adrian and I will always remind each other of our intentions whenever we do or say something - be it to each other, to our kids, or to other people. 

So, for me, I think it is fine for me to cuss into my pillow (when I need to) as long as no one else hears it and that is the main point. The last thing I want to do is to stumble people. 

Which then brings me to the next question - why then do I want to talk about it here? 

Well, because this is as real as it gets. 

Someone once asked in our group of friends if they think that I would ever use the "f***" word. Out of the 4 people, 1 answered yes. That was gazillion years ago and I disagreed with the 1 person. I told him that I would never. 

Look at me now, a mother with 2 kids and I do cuss sometimes (IN PRIVATE). Hah. So yeah, people will change so never say never. Heh.

Maybe you have a more effective way to let off your frustration and if that works for you, then really good! I guess as long as your 'way' is not by hurting someone else then that is fine. 

So yeah. I do that so I don't let off my steam by screaming at my kids or purposely saying mean things to my husband. It helps me. But I need to always be reminded not to be 'addicted' to it because before I know it, I may be saying it out loud. 

In summary, if you cuss with the intention to hurt people or/and people may be stumbled by it, then it is not okay. What is your intention then to use these cuss words? Is it necessary? And don't go around trying to hurt people with your words la - now pandemic and everyone is hurting in one way or another so be nice. Heh. 

Okay so in the summary of a summary, having kids is really good lah - they help you do self-check because everything that you don't want them to do or say, you will also not do or say. So, you get to improve yourself every time. 

The struggles are real, and I am glad that I finally found a method to make me a less-screaming-into-my-kids-ears and more-calm-down-respond-better person. 

I hope that from this rambling, you will be able to consciously find a way to channel your frustration and a way to let off your instant anger or something - without stumbling to others and hurting others of course. 

Till next time, bye now.

Was My Wisdom Tooth Removed Or No?

There is absolutely no pain like a toothache - okay maybe cannot be compared to childbirth pain but still, toothaches are the worse! 

I was struggling with pain in my left wisdom tooth for a week when I decided that I cannot endure it anymore. It has to go - or something needs to be done. 

I always thought that I have passed this wisdom tooth 'stage' because when they were growing out (which I don't exactly know when hah), they didn't cause any discomfort at all. 

This time, my gums were inflamed due to (I believe) food being stuck in that small valley between the normal tooth and the 'Cleopatra wisdom tooth. Heh. Cleopatra because the wisdom tooth was lying instead of standing like all usual teeth. 

Here is an x-ray being done before the dentist could advise on what to do. It was necessary because she (the dentist) needed to confirm if the affected wisdom tooth was in a "good" position for extraction. 

There it is - my set of straight teeth - thanks to 4-years of wearing braces (worth every money spent and pain endured!). Surely you can also see that my left and right tooth grew out to be very close to my teeth and there is a very small tiny gap in between. 

This is where food gets stuck and I have absolutely no way to get them out. So, the ideal way is to extract my wisdom tooth (left side first since the right side doesn't cause any problem - yet). 

The dentist then explained to me that this 2D x-ray cannot really show us if the wisdom tooth is touching (or protruding) the inferior alveolar nerve or lingual nerve. And if it is very near to the nerve, then the extraction procedure itself could cause damage to the nerve. 

She told me that the risk is that I may lose the sense of my left cheek/ and/or/left lip and/or left gums. I remembered asking her if it's a forever kind of thing and the answer is: it could be. 

I was not going to take that risk immediately for sure. 

She gave me an option to go for a 3D x-ray at Lam Wah Ee Hospital and I went to have that done the very next day. Within 45-minutes, I walked out of the hospital with the CD in my hand - spent RM200 there.

That evening, I went back to the dental clinic and she examined the x-ray and confirmed the worse. Okay, not the worse la. But basically not a piece of very good news - at least not that one I hoped to hear anyways. 

The image is on the CD and I don't have a CD reader at home so got to do without. 

Basically, what the 3D x-ray shows are that both wisdom tooth is protruding the nerve and because of this, the risk of having a numb cheek/lip/gum is a lot higher - anything can happen during the extraction and there is no guarantee. 

So the dentist gave me another option - Coronectomy. 

It is a procedure to remove the top of the wisdom tooth and leaving the roots untouched so we can leave the nerve alone hah. 

I thought about it for like 10-seconds and went ahead with the procedure - the next day I think ( I cannot remember). 

When it was time to sit on that scary chair, I was praying so hard I won't feel anything - not even from the injections. I saw the needle and I closed my eyes and obviously, it was painful! The anesthetic jab was painful, full stop. It was not like an ant bite.

The entire process took about one and half hours. 

It was long because she had to remove my left topmost inner tooth too - if not, I will be biting onto my gum below since the crown of the wisdom tooth is gone. If you see the x-ray image below, the top tooth was not extracted yet. She just wanted to show me that my wisdom tooth still has its root inside, and prayerfully please don't kena infections all. Hah. 

So yeah. I closed my eyes most of the time and imagined I was lying on the beach at Gili Trawangan. It worked for a while until I started feeling intense pain midway and she injected me with more anesthetic and smooth sailing again. 

Total damage spent on fixing this pain-in-my-bum bum was RM1,000. Well, I sort of already knew that it was going to cost a bomb because everyone say so - but still, worth getting rid of that toothache. 

Okay, so the conclusion is I did not get my wisdom tooth removed - not really anyways. Only half is gone. 

Now I'm hoping the right side doesn't start pattern all - because that means I would need to go through another round of Coronectomy. Though it was a smooth experience, I don't think I want to go through it again. 

Something like going for a roller-coaster ride. Yes, I no longer enjoy going on a roller-coaster. No thanks to bad motion sickness after that. Come to think about it, I don't enjoy going on any rides that move. Hah. 

I rather walk around and shop in places like Universal Studios or Disneylands - oh and eat snacks. My definition of enjoys life heh. 

Alright, so for those of you who need to go through this wisdom tooth thing in the future, all the best, and don't be scared because your fear cannot magically take away your toothache wan. You just got to go through it like a champ and come out a warrior. Hah. 

Till next time, bye now. 

Where is B. Mojo?

Time flies is such an understatement, please. 

Can you believe that I am done with week two of my training at work, and I've only been to the office once. I miss my table if you did not already know that. I love the view, and honestly, it is as though the entire office's interior is taken from my Pinterest board or something. 

I intend to snap photos and just get someone to come renovate my house like that. Hah. 

Work has been fun and stressful (when either one of the kids decides to stick with me). Dahlah I am already struggling to get used to using 2-screens (which I now must have) and trying to compose emails and all - but somewhat something inside me secretly loving it - loving the attention. Like they still very much need me. 

Siau liau this mother. 

I want them to be independent, yet not so much. CAN NEVER WIN. 

I've got a few recipes that I have wanted to share here, but my blogging mojo seems to be taking leave so we will wait for it to come home first. Heh. 

For now, I am just going to work on work (heh), and my next project is actually getting the photos (that I have received from Photobook) and frame them up on the dining room wall. 

Do you know that you can go to the official website of Photobook through Shop.com and earn Shop Points just like that? 

GO FOR IT. 

Till next time, bye now. 

One Vaccine Down!

Why was I feeling so on edge while waiting for the vaccination?

To think back - it is so silly goodness. 

I am not particularly afraid of needles and injections, and hopefully, it wasn't about the crowd too, because I love being with people. 

It could be because it felt like finally there is a glimpse of hope - that all this will one day go away and now all we need to do is take that one step at a time, and get vaccinated, and stay home and stay safe. 

I cannot wait, till the day we can safely be with our families and friends, and no need to be so afraid. 

Till then, stay safe. 

Why am I So Nervous About the Vaccine?

My vaccination appointment is tomorrow - and I am feeling so nervous - like going for an interview nervous. No idea why I felt that I need to do some kind of preparation before taking the shot. Hah. 

Adrian thought it was funny for me to be this nervous. 

I asked him to bring me there because I scared. 

WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME?

Not super excited about the common side-effects though. I hate having a fever because I usually cannot do anything or get out of bed. Prayerfully, the side effects will be a total zero for me!

Be confident, Sarah. 

Really as though going for interviews. Apani. 

Excited For My What's Next!

Based on what was written in my previous post, you should have figured that I have indeed decided to apply for a job and will be saying goodbye to being a full-time stay-at-home mom (soon) to my two precious kids. It was not an easy decision, but an inevitable one - as according to my husband. 

It is not only physically demanding but also mentally challenging - to be a full-time stay-at-home mom. There is a constant need to make sure I don't get sucked into the everyday-lazing-around-with the kids, which is so tempting, even after completing the house chores and whatnots. 

On good days, I kept my day filled with re-organizing cupboards after cupboards and adding home decor items on my Shopee account. My bank account is going to hit zero soon if I continue to 'home-decor' every day. Heh. 

On bad days, I just laze around with Alex and Sofia on the couch and snack, non-stop. Oh, the life right? By the second half of the noon, I would get agitated easily and I know why - because I have been not productive at all - in a way. 

On most days, I am not able to do anything I actually want when the kids are awake, because all they want to do is for you to sit with them to watch Cocomelon together. Sofia only wants to sit quietly (without food) when you sit with her. So, yes. A very clingy day-to-day JD. 

So, to all full-time stay-at-home moms, I salute you. It is difficult and it gets impossible sometimes, and we wonder how we manage to survive through it all - the everyday-repetitive-demanding-life. But hey, we did give birth to a human - out of our body. So, we are already champions - whether our partners recognize it or not - or I mean whether they show their appreciation in the ways we want to or not. Hah. 

If you are a full-time stay-at-home mom, you guys are rocking it and making such a big difference in your children's life. If you are a working mom, get rid of that guilt and know that you are also rocking it. It is a good decision and what you do is what is best for your family. So, say bye-bye to that mom-guilt. 

I was so happy when HR called me and finally saying "Congratulations Sarah! We'd love to have you join the team!". I was smiling from ear to ear. It was a Friday and it sets the weekend right. I remembered calling Adrian straight away and was just jumping up and down!

I have the whole month of July to spend time with the kids before starting work officially in August. 

I do have to admit that there is a pinch of sadness and reluctance when I think about starting work in August - just based on the fact that I no longer will be around Alex & Sofia 24/7. I have gotten used to seeing their face every minute, so I don't really know how I am going to cope with that change - but I will do okay I feel - because Vanessa is going to send me their videos and updates every hour. Heh.

And now, I got more budget for home-decor things - starting August. Hah. 

So, here's to spending July smartly (is there such word? Hah) and wisely with my kids and family. I am super excited and nervous for August to come. More excited I reckon. I even bought a new notebook, a new handbag (hah) and stick-ons for all my learnings starting in August. I still need to buy my stationaries. 

Gotta need new stationaries for new beginnings, right? Heh. 

Till next update, bye now. Stay safe everyone. 

I Updated My Resume, Now What?

Our kids sleep at 8PM because there is nothing much to do at home and we (Adrian and I) need to squeeze in time for each other, right after they sleep. 

Oftentimes, we find ourselves not being able to because he has to continue working, and I usually fall asleep with the kids. So, we hardly talk sometimes. So sad I know. 

But we now have a new thing where we started spending time with each other on the bed when both kids are drinking their milk and slowly going into dreamworld. We would be lying down with them in the darkroom, and start talking and sharing our day and stuff. 

Last night was one of the nights where our conversation was somehow steered to a serious-life-changing-kind where we discussed things like future plans and whatnots. 

The kind of conversation where it makes you think hard and talk hard with each other. 

The realization is that as much as I enjoyed staying home spending 24/7 with my children, I cannot deny that I miss a part of me that only exists when I am at work (whether in the office or working remotely). 

It felt like I was losing something in me - be it some sort of passion or drive or motivation (if you know what I mean) and after sharing that with Adrian, he completely agrees. Something changed in me. Something seems a bit off. Hah. 

So, we re-visit the idea of me going back to work and we continued to wonder if that is the right thing to do, because I really love spending time with Alex and Sofia. I definitely would want to find something that allows me to work from home (flexible to go into the office anytime). 

I do like to work in the office, but I need the flexibility to work elsewhere. 

It was such a great conversation with Adrian that night. I felt relieved and we had gin & tonic after that. Hah. 

The next morning, I updated my resume. 

Till next time.