28.

What is so important that I am sacrificing my sleep to write this?

It's my birthday that's why! Heh. Tebal punya muka ni. 

To be honest, since I turned twenty-five (yes, I'm going to be honest about my age just this once!
 Heh), three years ago, I became very reluctant to celebrate birthdays, particularly my own. I don't look forward to it. I don't feel it, the excitement and all sorts. 

I really don't know if this is part of growing up and everyone that is at my age or older have went through it or are still going through it, but yeah I am feeling it. 

This year however, despite all the 'negative-energy' from every part of my body, I have decided to organize my first ever birthday party. No, I am obviously not turning one. I would be the world's genius if I am writing all this, being a one-year old girl. Hah. 

Never have I ever have a birthday party. 

Heh. 

I thought that before I am called by another last name, I should have a birthday party for myself and I am sorry if you are not invited because budget is a concern so only a handful of people are going to be a part of this. 

Gosh never thought it would be this mentally tiring to convince myself to go ahead with the whole thing because I actually really don't want to have it in the first place, but then I also want one before I kahwin. So how. 

I actually don't want to do anything extraordinary on my birthday and don't want to make it an event also. What have gotten into my brain seriously?

Regret also pointless already. Hah.

Turning twenty-eight makes me realize one important thing. 

I've always find it really fulfilling when I grow stronger mentally and emotionally, and I have always known that it is always most effective through difficult moments, especially heartbreaks. 

I have had a handful of heartbreaks since last year's birthday and it's crazy for me to 'assumed' that through all those painful times, times when simple/easy expectations were not met, that with time I get stronger. 

NONSENSE.

I realized today that I did not get stronger. Maybe 40% I was able to control what I say or how I react to it, but the other 60%?

I would say that it was slowly turning into bitterness, silent anger and ignorance. All these three buddies decided to build up a box somewhere inside the heart and hide in there for as long as they could. 

It was only tonight that as I spend time with God, He reveals all of those. 

Did I really get emotionally better/stronger by letting time go by and pretend that all will be okay again? Or the fact that it is okay if sometimes you swallow it and keep telling yourself it's okay?

No.

Not at all. 

Only God could give us that strength to be emotionally leveled-up. 

You can go through nonsense moments and you may think that it's all okay already since it's not stirring you easily anymore. Wrong. You are in fact one level down because you WILL have an extra room for bitterness and you would not even know it. That bitterness will indirectly control of the way you talk to a particular someone, makes a certain kind of decision and the kind of person you slowly turn into.

Unless you pray and you ask God to help you.

If you don't, you are not going to level up. 

Tonight, I did just that. Tonight, He came down and rescued me. I think I was literally drowning inside of myself. Phew, boy did that felt good. 

Thank You Jesus. 

Oh, and know this one thing. Humans will fail you, confirm they will fail you but God will never fail you. Knowing and understanding the fact that humans will fail you, will makes you realize that you should always put a reasonable expectations on one another because healthy expectations drive people. Heh. At least it drives me. 

Well, here's to a great twenty-eighth birthday for me :)

Here's a song that helped me through. Listen to it okay?

In Memory of Aunty Ean Beng.

After being silent for a week, I am back.

I want to convey my deepest heartfelt condolences to Pastor Heok Cheow, Judson, Joyce and Jesher in the passing of Aunty Ean Beng.

One of my fondest memories with Aunty Ean Beng was back in the days when we would always hang out at Pastor's house, have dinner and just coffee. Aunty Ean Beng will always sit at the steps and we would always share Judson's embarrassing moments. I've known Jud since 10 years old? 

Wow, it's been 16 years huh. Crazy times.

We will always laugh at Judson because of the things he did last time. I guess that made me talk to Aunty Ean Beng more. Knowing her more than just a Pastor's wife.

Once, she saw that I was taking some cili padi on the table and she asked if I love having them in my meals. I told her that it wasn't only me, both my parents are also crazy over it. Since then, everytime her cili padi plant had its products, she would always give them to us in a small see through container. 

Oh! Not to mention how delicious her homemade peanut butter is! 

Also, the day when we visited her at the hospital, she remembered everyone's names and what they do and stuff. On the way home, Koay told me that he was very shocked to see that Aunty Ean Beng remembered him. Someone who doesn't see her often at all. Maybe a few times only. 

I miss you, Aunty Ean Beng. It's still very surreal that you have gone home. I know we have never say this to you but we love you. My family loves and prays for you. We are glad that you are no longer suffering. Thank you for being the person you are. Your life have wowed so many people. Mine included. 

I don't know how it must have felt like to lose someone so close to you. I cannot and don't want to imagine. 

Judson walked to the coffin and as he lay the flower on top of it, his hand remained on the flower a while and I saw his lips moved.

"Bye Mom.."

This scene is engraved in my mind since. Everytime I think of it, my eyes get wet a little, like now..

I know they probably have heard "Be strong!" many many times. I wanted to say it but I guess it's not going to be that easy..

To Pastor Heok Cheow, Judson, Joyce and Jesher,

Know that we are praying for you everyday. For comfort, strength, peace and joy. Know that we love you and we will always be there anytime you need us. ANYTIME. 

Till I see you again, Aunty Ean Beng.

John 14:27

"Peace I leave with you.

My peace I give to you.  

I do not give to you as the world gives.  

Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid"

thank you Jesus.

Helper.

Young Adult's Encounter Weekend for around 30 students from AIMST University. 

This is my third time attending the Encounter Weekend. The first two as participants and this time, a helper! 

I took turns with Hooi San though because she needs to rest. The momma needs rest!! 

CONGRATULATIONS HUI JEN & HOOI SAN! 

Usually.

Just a 45 minutes lunch always makes it slightly better. I don't know if its the laughter in between or just the part where he holds my hand and keep them warm.

It's always when I am feeling unwell that he would sacrifice lunch with his colleagues and bring me go for porridge or koay teow th'ng when the former is closed. I'm blessed. 

Blessed even more because mom steamed fish knowing that my throat hurts and now my head is spinning in every direction.

I must be thankful, even being in the most uncomfortable situation.

Thank You God. Thank You.

And my soul sings 
Your love
It knows no end

He Never Fails.

This is hilarious. 

I went through quarter-life-crisis last year I think. I don't exactly know if it is even. Though I'm quite confident to say that it was. I guess..

If you were to ask me WHAT IS quarter life-crisis, I will ask you to tell me how you have been feeling about life, and then I'm able to tell you whether it is or not.

Most of you probably too young to go through it now. It's like you don't know what life is any-more and feeling lost (in a very funny kind) or confused with what you really want to do with your life. Something like that.

When I was at it, it was pretty horrible. I remembered having sleepless nights. Can cry one okay those nights when I just want to rest and my body/mind won't want to sleep at all! IT'S HORRIBLE!

Worse still, when I was in Club Med alone with another colleague, I felt so alone. Though I really enjoyed the holiday there, I know that I would have enjoyed them more if someone else was with me. Anyone that is. That is when I know I do not like travelling alone. NO FUN. 

Now that I've come out of it, more certain of life and knowing and ready for all its uncertainties, I've learnt to hang onto Him who is forever the same. Yesterday, today and days to come. I've learnt that through all heartaches, failures, wrong decisions, slightly-out-of-course-moments that there are lessons to be learned. And if I don't learn those lessons, I will go through that again and again till I finally do. 

It is amazing how Jesus has been reminding me of every little things that I do, He appreciates them. He honours that. He sees it. 

With every bumps I go over and every prayer I faithfully pray, I've gained a little ounce of His strength and hope that never fades. 

Day by day, He gives. You just need to ask, constantly. 

No matter how difficult/upset/disappointed I feel, it always get replaced by assurance and joy from up above. 

He never fails.

Genesis 22.

It has been twenty days since I started writing the Bible.

That's about a chapter a day.

It has been fulfilling much for the soul.

Okay, I'm quite proud of myself. Some days I didn't have anytime to write because there's things to do and places to go. Certain days I can write up to three chapters.

You're probably like thinking that it's only three, but let me tell you this first book is quite long for most of the chapters. It's mad and fun.

Handwritten Bible.

So, in one of my previous post, I mentioned very briefly that I was gonna plan to write the Bible, message version.

And write the Bible, I did.

Yep, I actually decided to re-write the Bible, no matter how long it shall take. A man in the US took 4 years to finish the whole Bible, by writing it all by himself. King James version.

And I got inspired after reading that at a small corner of a magazine. Crazy huh? At least, it kinda gives me "something" sort of "feeling"! A good kind of feeling. A very therapeutic feeling. This feels even better than shopping.

So, to prepare for the first day to launch this writing Bible, I went and get a specific blue pen, and specific kind of A4 papers (which in the end I just took a new stack from Van's because I've got no time to buy).

So far, I've written till Genesis chapter nine and verse 29. This is the beginning and though I just realized that there's so much more to write and though I'm nowhere near the second book, I will still try to finish the whole holy book in three years.

A bible verse/chapter a day, will keep this heart in tune everyday. Okay, maybe it's not very rhythm-ic.

Oh wellz.

Ephesians Chapter 2 Verses Seven To Ten.

Now God has us where he wants us, with all the time in this world and the next to shower grace and kindness upon us in Christ Jesus.

Saving is all his idea, and all his work.

All we do is TRUST HIM ENOUGH to let him do it. It’s God’s gift from start to finish!

We don’t play the major role. If we did, we’d probably go around bragging that we’d done the whole thing! No, we neither make nor save ourselves.

God does BOTH the making and saving. He creates each of us by Christ Jesus to join him in the work he does, the good work he has gotten ready for us to do, work we had better be doing.

Ephesians 5: 1-2

Watch what God does, and then you do it, like children who learn proper behavior from their parents. Mostly what God does is love you. Keep company with Him and learn a life of love. Observe how Christ loved us. His love was not cautious but extravagant. He didn't love us in order to get something from us but to give everything of Himself to us.

Love like that.

fireBRANDS' Leadership Retreat 2013.

Date: 25th - 28th March 2013.
Venue: Bethel House of Prayer, Penang Hill.
People: Current committee of fireBRANDS' team.

best retreat so far.

blessed beyond measure :)

Sunday Blue.

EVERYTHING GOING BACK TO NORMAL IN FEW HOURS!

Back to normal means no more holidays to expect in a short period of time. I think my next getaway is in May. END OF MAY. But good thing Sha Lynn is coming in one month's time. So that I will look forward too. Very excited about that for sure. 

Sister's wedding makes me emotional. So, for sure Sha Lynn being born would make me even more emotional. WAY MORE FOR SURE. Ahhh! Praying hard that her doctor will allow me to enter the delivery room with Kah Wei as well. He didn't say no when she asked so that means still got hope. 

I do not look forward to waking up at eight tomorrow. Monday blue started today. It is indeed sad. 

Oh ya! Blessed Easter everyone. 

So in awe that Jesus the perfect Son took our fall and died on that wondrous cross for each one of us. Mind blowing, yes. Indescribable love for us, yes. My forever Love, hundred percent yes.

I should now go chill and have my Iced Mocha to painfully accept the fact that I HAVE TO GO WORK TOMORROW.

Good Morning.

Oh how crazy it is that it's already last day of this eat non-stop festive? I could use another extension of one week being in this holiday mood!

Yesterday God revealed something to my heart. Something I didn't know that was in me all this long. And it was so reassuring, so wow, so personal and so precious. In Your promise, I stand firm and know. Nothing will shake me off this faith that wows me when I least expected it :) Trusting in You is life's most peaceful thing. 

So, how are you spending your last day of Chinese New Year? We are gonna run a few rounds in Youth Park, and then sessions of captain ball.Probably will head to Esplanade or Straits Quay to throw some oranges. Not that I want to do that (specially for all the single ladies) but I guess it will be fun to throw oranges into the sea. We'll see what happens.

Enjoy your last days of CNY people :)

Monday Blues NOT.

Such great feeling going to bed on Sunday knowing that the next day get to sleep till lunch time. Not just any normal lunch.

The Mod-Em Hangout Lunch and Movie!

So, what Monday and what Monday blues?

We waited, walked down the escalator, ate McD, vained with the brand new iPhone5, teared in The Impossible, laughed hysterically, shopped, i love yoo-ed, "spretzel-ed", stalked half japanese hald angmo babies, choo char-ed, starbucks-ed, and monopoly dealed :)

Proverbs 27:17 Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.

Food tastes better when you're having them with people you love and genuinely care about. 

Monday Fever.

Never have fever for a long time already and then it decided to pay me a visit the week I'm going for holiday.

Not just fever sumore. With terrible headache. Adui. I hate being sick.

Now, I have to drive out sumore to visit clients. Here's hoping the fever doesn't get worst and the headache disappears. Oh well, I will still praise the Lord in times of pain and trouble.

Koay called at 6:00am this morning, said that he couldn't sleep because he had this terrible headache. He struggled on bed for like 5 hours. Poor thing. We prayed through the phone and I guess he could sleep after that.

Power of prayer is amazing. Prayer moves mountains. What kind of mountains of yours that you have seen moved because of your prayers? I have seen a lot and it wows me every single time.

God is indescribable.