I didn't want to write this. It took me this long, because it was really difficult to pen down how I feel, and to open that can of emotions again.
But here goes - the second time.
Summary of my life - I have 2 sisters. I am a middle child. My younger sister, Vanessa packed her bags and moved 900km down south last year. We visited her shortly after and I wrote a little something for her.
Not long after Vanessa told us about her move, my other sister, Rachel received her migration visa (after 7+ years of waiting). So, they also packed their entire life into so many boxes and moved 6,600km even more down south. It was a huge blow for us, for me.
I didn't know how to process them or how to accept it. It was such a journey for me to be honest. To an extreme point, I considered moving our lil family and my parents too. Heh. Trust me, both Adrian and I had this "migration talks" many many times. For me, family is so important, and I just cannot see myself growing old without being physically close to both of them.
Anyways, Malaysia is and will always be our home. It's a topic for another day.
Months after they settled down in Australia, we all booked our air tickets for a family holiday there. Was it necessary? Absolutely yes 100%. No question.
We were in the same house everyday (imagine the noise level and chaos hah), and talking almost never stops. I miss it a lot. There were also disagreements (yes during family holidays) because tell me please, which family unit is perfect? Okay fine, don't tell me. I don't want to know. I just know that I love our imperfect family. A lot of ups and downs, but we go through them all anyways.
We got to walk with the kids to school, and explore their little neighbourhood, and eat foods that they usually eat. It was necessary and so comforting. I also got to hug and squeeze my OG baby girl and OG baby boy. They are so grown up now my heart cannot take it. Also yes, their face also macam angmo-fied. Heh.
They are so happy, and I love seeing how they have built such a lovely life together there. It's really them against the world now.
I have to admit that coming home from this family trip, made it a lot harder. A lot harder for this LDR to carry on. I find myself looking back at the photos and videos, (too often) and just pausing to smile, and wishing I was back there. I have missed every small and big moment. It's just so heavy.
I know it's going to get easier as time goes by and that's the scary part for me. I don't want the LDR to get any easier because that just means we have to grow up and older without each other in the same time-zone/weather-zone. The scary part is when it gets easier, and so normal. I rather have this occasional heartaches and wishing that they would be back here, than feeling the normal in doing things together but worlds apart.
I don't want to get use to seeing Sha Lynn and Daryl become a teenager through a phone screen, or getting regular photo and video updates. I want in person, and live. If only we can all take turns to travel to the countries we are at and stay for a few months. If only. Ugh. The struggle is real, but what choice do we have?
Amidst these big feelings, I am so happy for them, and proud. It's weird but it's such as huge life-changing thing to pack up your life and move to a foreign land. And they did it - with courage and faith because they know God is watching them, and ahead of them at every step. Of course we all going to cry a lot, but it's okay. Those are mostly happy tears.
This is for the four of you - Kah Wei, Rachel, Sha Lynn and Daryl.
Kah Wei, the big brother that I never got to have until my sister said yes to marrying you. You speak what is right, and you don't shy away from it, or the truth. If I need to hear it, you would say it. Often times, it's hard to hear it, but hey, truth hurts heh. Thank you for taking this leap of faith with your wife, and kids. I know it's not easy to pack up your life and home and move so far away. I won't say I was supporting it 100% before, but this is what family does, and I do now. We will support and cheer you on no matter what, no matter where. I am grateful that it is you, my sister got to do life with. I am grateful that Sha Lynn and Daryl has you as their daddy. You love people differently, and know that it hasn't gone unnoticed. Thank you for always being yourself, no masks, no hidden agenda. Just you as you are.
Thank you for being the one of the best ah-tiaus for Alex, Sofia and Adam. You are not afraid to help us discipline them, and to teach them right from wrong, and I never say it, but I am so thankful for that. Everytime before we part ways from a gathering, you would always remind them, "You all are good boys and girl. Help mommy and daddy. Listen to them okay?" Thank you for stepping in everytime you see us struggle with the kids. Our three cikus look up to you a lot. You are a gem and one in a million.
Sha Lynn, what a journey it has been to watch you grow. I remembered the indescribable joy I felt when your parents told us they were pregnant with you and then when we got to hold you, we just want to protect you with everything we got. You were the first baby, and I remembered having to fight with Sasa to take care of you, especially during the night feeds.
I remembered once when you were a little girl. I was scolding you and you cried. While crying you said to me, "You don't love me because you only scold me, and not Daryl!" That was a big statement and I remembered it until now. After you calmed down, I brought you to my room and explained to you, that it is because I love you, that I need to discipline you (on behalf of your mom) and teach you right and wrong. Your mom gave me permission wan ha. Heh. Being the smart girl you are, you understood and we hugged.
I love you so much and don't ever forget that. You will grow up there, and even though we are continents apart, don't ever forget how much we love you, and how much I will cheer you on - in every season of your life. Always be true to yourself. It is going to be hard, but you are a strong girl. It's in your genes. I miss you, and I always will. Also, whatever your mom doesn't let you buy, just tell me okay? I will buy for you. Heh.
Daryl, our second baby whom we got to love so fiercely. I say fiercely because you are different, in the best way. You don't want to talk until you are like way older. Got all of us worried for a bit ya. I love how you think, how you respond and how you give. You are quick in your mind when it comes to answering silly things. You are playful, and happy. Mostly smiling. Or crying when your true love (aka your mother) scolds you or ban you from your electronics.
I love hugging you because you don't ask for it. The more you shy from it, the more I want to give it, tightly. I love looking at your face and notice how you move your little nose, and how you unconsciously touch your ears every now and then. I love (maybe just a tiny lil bit) how slow you eat and how you would stress everyone out because of how playful you get during mealtimes. It's funny now, but not so funny when it is happening ya.
But know this. I love you like my own. You and your sister. You may come out from your mom, but I will always be both your second mother. Even though we cannot go to your sports play and stuff, always know and imagine that we are there to shout your name and probably embarrass you. Heh. Also, same thing like Sha Lynn. Whatever you want that your mother doesn't allow, tell Sarah ee ee. I am here to spoil you two hehe.
Jie, our childhood was interesting heh. The constant fights and the 'I want to follow you to your friends' hangouts' and you would get so annoyed with how clingy I was to you. This is what happens when we are so close in our age. Getting to call you as my 'Jie' is one of the biggest most precious blessings God has given me. You know when something doesn't sit right with me. You know when to speak and when to not. You know how to mother me even before you became a mother. It is because of mom and you that I know I want to be a mom and have my own troops one day, and look at us now.
You love to hug, me not so much, but you make sure you give them to me anyways, because somehow deep inside, you just know that it was all I needed. I wouldn't have taken it for granted if I knew now I can only have them hugs every once a year. Heh.
I may not say it enough, but I am happy for you. You are my role model (hands down) and nothing would ever change that. Not even when we get into arguments and say nasty things to each other. I love you, and I am proud of you. You are crazy to love studying and always looking for ways to improve yourself. It's insane, and it's definitely not in our genes. Because Van and I are not like that. Heh.
Thank you for being strong. I know it's not easy to build from ground zero again there. But I see you, I am amazed because you never give up. You keep going, and going. Even when there is no support from us physically there. I don't know how many times you have shed tears because of how you miss home, but we are here. Next time, text Van and I - we cry together. Heh. Less lonely.
I miss you a lot. I miss sitting next to you, and see your face. I miss listening to your voice, live. I miss seeing your cry and laugh at the same time (inside family joke) heh. I miss you, and I am counting down to when I can see you again.
I love you all, Sha Family - with all my heart <3
Till next time, bye now.