Ever since both Adrian and I leveled up and became parents, we quickly realized the importance of having 'date nights' - us time, without the children.
It is very easy to get caught up with work, and trying to juggle the parent and spouse hat at the same time.
We realized that when we don't prioritize having date-time, we let out on each other subconsciously. It can be via mean words, absent body language, and minimal eye contacts. We could become very rude to each other without realizing them. This is a true story for both Adrian and I.
It is usually really hard to plan for date nights unless we have family and friends volunteering to help us watch the kids for a few hours, which we are always so thankful for. If it's going on a short trip without the children, that's the cherry on top of the cake. Hah.
The reality is that we also don't want to trouble people so often to take care of our kids just so we can have 'quiet time' with each other. So one of the things we try to do is squeezing in 15-30 minutes for a quick breakfast before work or trying to intentionally do something together at night after they go to bed - like watching a movie together.
The problem with the movie idea is that we both like completely different kind of genres! So, it's a lot of compromising. In the end, we realized watching movie is not very effective for us. We rather watch it on our own. Hah.
We do other things like, going to the gym at night (rare), or go night swimming (one of our fav but lesser now because the chlorine may make me itch after), or go supper down the street (trying not to supper anymore), or meeting up for lunch (when he comes to the area) or like anything else that works - even if it's for only 10 minutes. YOU CAN TALK ABOUT A LOT OF THINGS IN 10 MINUTES WHEN THERE IS NO NOISE AND DISTRACTION - 100%.
We haven't had a consistent thing that we always do, other than winding down before bedtime on our bed - but these days, it was either he will sleep first or I would be in dreamland already.
I guess this post isn't saying anything, except that every couple (especially ones with children) MUST go on date nights intentionally.
It is okay to ask your family or friends to help you with your children for a few hours so you both can have a nice, uninterrupted mealtime to focus on you two. It's healthy and it will strengthen your bond - which is so important for children's growth.
We truly believe that amazing things happen when you have quality time with your other half and your children (especially) will get to experience that kind of love and commitment.
Every time Adrian and I get to have a longer date nights/trips, we always come home with something new, something good. During these dates, we usually share about our struggles (in details) at work, and at home and the things that makes us happy and drives us. We put ourselves in each other's shoes, and think of ways we can be better - together.
It's like re-calibrating both our goals and wants and how we gonna get there. Same thing as checking our car's alignments after a few months or something right.
We would bring up incidents that happened, and discuss how to respond better in similar situations. We also try to think of ways to affirm the kids differently because of how the 3 of them are just so different. So yeah, it is just a constant checking in with each other and believe it or not. Even though we live in the same house, and sleep on the same bed, it is actually very difficult to have these kind of conversations.
First, because the children are always listening and looking. Second, because after every 2 sentences we say, there will be "Mamy! Dady!" or "Mamy! Adam eating my rice!" or "Dady! Play ball with me!" or "Mam maam maaaammm".
We love our kids to the ends of the world, but hello, it is impossible to think straight or hear your own thoughts when they are constantly asking for your attentions. It's cute but when it's too much - it's too much! Heh.
Anyways, I thought to share this here, because you are not selfish for wanting to have quiet time with your spouse, and time away from your children. In our case, date nights are one of the things that made us better partners and parents. So, we really do try to make it happen.
If you ask us, we highly recommend it. If it's difficult to get someone to watch the kids, start with once a month. Set the date and put it in the calendar. Ask a fellow parents friend to help babysit for a few hours. They would be more than happy to do so, because it takes a village.
Trust your village, and let's be better spouse and parent together :)
P.S. Please never hesitate to ask us for help. My children will especially love it if they could have playdates with humans their age and size! I'm serious.
Go get your deserved date nights, please.