I probably have typed and backspaced about three hundred times already before this could be a post post.
I was about 7 weeks pregnant (according to my doctor at Adventist Hospital) and we had only found out about it a week ago, making that one week the most amazing one yet.
Everything felt normal on that Good Friday night and as usual, I was burping out loud because there were just so much gas in me but I wasn't complaining a bit. I was already pre-warned of all the coming symptoms as the baby continues to grow inside me. I was enjoying it actually. Heh.
We woke up very early in the morning on Saturday and met with the rest of the Kang clan at the stop after Penang Bridge. We then convoy to the border of Hatyai and parked our cars at the duty free complex and followed a rented van into Hatyai.
We checked into the hotel and took a tuk-tuk ride to the Robinson Mall because we thought that was the mall that my grandma was describing, but it wasn't.
Anyways, it was about 9:45am (Thailand's time so it would be 10:45am Malaysia's time) and we were all looking for food to eat. I was exceptionally hungry because well, I had not eaten any food since I woke up and I have a growing dot inside me. Heh.
As we were walking down to the food court, I felt the first wave of intense cramp on my lower womb, and thought that could be caused by hunger so I sat down, ate a little and the cramps kept coming back. Stronger and longer each time.
By the fifth times or something, I told Koay that something was not right, that I could be bleeding down there. I wasn't sure and I wanted to be wrong. Koay looked at me, very concerned and just held my hands as the cramps kept coming.
I stood up and walked a little but the pain only got worse. During one of the waves, I thought I was going to faint in the mall but I was determined to not let that happen because I didn't want to scare my family so I went to sit down some more. A lot of sitting down okay.
Then, I went to the toilet and my grandma decided to follow me to which of course, I smiled and held her hands. Then, my aunty followed too.
That was when I saw blood and my heart dropped. I froze for a while in the toilet, fighting back tears, while replying to my aunty's "Sarah Khoo, you pangsai ah?". I knew if I would have let that tears to drop, they would find out what was wrong. So nope.
I walked out after a while, smiled and said, "Bo sai liau!" and rubbed my tummy.
I had to tell Koay so I told the family that I needed to go down to the grocery area to get some sweets and dragged Koay with me.
"Baby, I'm bleeding.."
His face froze. I kid you not. I think his heart dropped and he looked like he was going to faint.
But we remained positive the entire time. We tried to find wifi from then on because we needed to google for explanations and possible outcomes on all these bleeding and cramps.
It was a very 50-50 thing. Miscarriage came out a lot but we also prayed (a lot) and remained positive.
We walked around Lee Gardens and he held my hands so tight it made all these cramps better. We somehow knew that with every intense cramps that I experience (while walking the streets of Hatyai), the higher the chance that we were losing this baby.
The cramps were worse than my usual period cramps, and although we were telling each other that everything was going to be okay, we knew deep inside that it was not going to be okay.
The cramps did not stop till I fell asleep that night at 11pm. The bleeding got heavier. I got very tired at the end of the night. My sister, Rachel knew because I was texting her and I wanted to believe her when she told me that everything will be okay.
It was really difficult because I could not show my pain and I could not tell my parents, with whom I was sharing the hotel room with. I did not want them to worry, because we know that if this was a miscarriage, there is nothing anyone or any doctor could do to stop it. So, we prayed and kept praying!
It was Easter Sunday the next morning!
I woke up with no cramps - happiest feeling in the world!
Then, I went into the toilet and not only did I see more blood, I was also looking at a blood clot, double the size of a tablespoon. I was shocked. I wanted to cry. I wanted to shout so loud please. But everyone was outside so I kept calm and looked at the blood clot closely. It looked like a blood clot alright.
I showered, cried a little and washed my face a thousand times so people cannot tell that I cried. I went outside and looked at a very sleepy Koay and smiled. I waited for him to bathe and brought him outside and told him about the blood clot.
"I think our baby is in Heaven already.."
Immediately his face turned and he was trying to hold back his tears. Vanessa was with us so we held it together and held hands the entire time. He wanted to see the blood clot but it was already gone. I should have take a photo of it or something but I was super shocked to see such a big blood clot came out from under me. It's crazy.
The bleeding did not stop. Even now as I am typing this, I am still bleeding.
We got back home on that Sunday night and all we did after our showers was that we hugged each other on our bed and we cried. We spent time just hugging and crying and held hands. We didn't know what to expect but we tried to remained as positive and hopeful as we could.
It was also that very same night that we decided to tell our family members and a group of close friends so that they could pray with us!
We went to the hospital the next morning. As we were describing all that has happened to Dr Soon, I was looking at his face (did not blink a bit) as he turned to us and said this.
"I'm afraid this could be a miscarriage."
He went on to do an ultrasound check on my womb and confirmed the miscarriage. The little dot that was there a week ago was no longer seen in my womb. My womb was clean and empty.
His words confirmed our nightmare.
There was no specific cause to the miscarriage as the risk of losing a baby during the first three months is very high. 1 out of 5 woman never had the chance to complete their pregnancy. This was my first miscarriage and prayerfully, my last ever.
There was no specific cause to the miscarriage as the risk of losing a baby during the first three months is very high. 1 out of 5 woman never had the chance to complete their pregnancy. This was my first miscarriage and prayerfully, my last ever.
I was in a denial-state for that 5-seconds in that examination room. I kept looking at the ultrasound screen, hoping that little dot was hiding somewhere and suddenly he would come out and surprise us all.
Yes, I said he.
When we found out about the pregnancy, we both had the strongest feeling that it was going to be a boy. Little dot would grow up to be like his old man. Heh.
So, this is the story of how we have lost our first baby, nicknamed Dotty Koay at 7 weeks of pregnancy.
Thank you all for all your kind words, hugs and love.
We are indeed very sad and heartbroken that we have lost this baby. What made it more difficult was the fact that we have been planning for this since we got married. Sure we said to people that we wanted to take 1-2 years for ourselves first, but we were already trying and planning to start a family. We didn't realize how badly we wanted to start a family of more than 2 until we had lost Dotty Koay.
To have something that is 100% ours and then lost it, that's so challenging in every way but we are also very assured because the God that we love and believe is a God who is faithful and true and alive.
Little dot went to Heaven on Easter's Day. I mean come on, what better day to go to Heaven than on Easter's Day hah.
It's been the most amazing 1-week of having dot inside me because we were making a mental list of things that we wanted to get, things that I no longer get to eat (during the first 3 months), the type of shoes he was going to buy for me, the way our beds have to re-adjusted to fit the baby cot and how we want the gender to be a mystery till day of birth.
The feeling and excitement of becoming parents was so real and exciting that we would smile to sleep and talked about it the first thing in the morning.
Koay would always looked at me with that smile and said, "Morning babiesss!" It was a very exciting moment of our lives and we are very sure that we will have that many more times.
We are also thankful that this had happened to us because it had strengthened us so much mentally and emotionally and it had taught to us to fully rely on God because He is always that good.
You bet we are going to keep trying because now we both know for sure that we want to start a family, a biggggg family :)
What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger, so yes. More babies to come for sure :)
Thank you again for all your prayers!
Before I sign off, I just wanted to talk about this one thing, or a few things that has been on our mind for the past few days.
Ever since we announced on Facebook about the miscarriage, many people were surprisingly not "surprised" because they believed the fact that we should not have told the world when the baby has not reached the 3 months period. They believed that we should 'pantang' and kept it a secret until when it's after the first trimester. They also said that this is because the 'baby will pantang' even if you don't.
Adrian and I do not believe in pantang or some people would put it at such 'chinese culture that we must follow', if not you will lose the baby, sort of to say.
I realized that there were more goods than bads when we decided to tell the world because when people (friends and families) knew about it, they were sharing so much information with me that I have honestly not known or read on Google. Many people also warned us to be very careful during the first three months and people around me were very careful. They were like helping Adrian to take care of me if I can say that.
So, we do not agree with the whole pantang thing and to our surprise, some Christians actually shared their 'must-pantang-rule' with us and was so into it some more. No idea why.
We believed that God is our Maker, and should He decides that this baby is safer and better in Heaven, then so be it. It has absolutely nothing to do with "not allowed to tell the world before baby is 4 months in the belly". Heh.
We don't know if the ride to Hatyai could have been the cause of this miscarriage, but all we know now is that we would be extra careful with our second pregnancy and onwards.
So, thank you again for all your advise and kind words. We may not agree with all of them but we truly treasure each and everyone of it. We cannot wait to get pregnant again but for sure, we are going to be 1000% more careful :)
#tryagaineverynight #notgivingup #babytwocomingsoon #timetogethealthyandstrongagain
Before I sign off, I just wanted to talk about this one thing, or a few things that has been on our mind for the past few days.
Ever since we announced on Facebook about the miscarriage, many people were surprisingly not "surprised" because they believed the fact that we should not have told the world when the baby has not reached the 3 months period. They believed that we should 'pantang' and kept it a secret until when it's after the first trimester. They also said that this is because the 'baby will pantang' even if you don't.
Adrian and I do not believe in pantang or some people would put it at such 'chinese culture that we must follow', if not you will lose the baby, sort of to say.
I realized that there were more goods than bads when we decided to tell the world because when people (friends and families) knew about it, they were sharing so much information with me that I have honestly not known or read on Google. Many people also warned us to be very careful during the first three months and people around me were very careful. They were like helping Adrian to take care of me if I can say that.
So, we do not agree with the whole pantang thing and to our surprise, some Christians actually shared their 'must-pantang-rule' with us and was so into it some more. No idea why.
We believed that God is our Maker, and should He decides that this baby is safer and better in Heaven, then so be it. It has absolutely nothing to do with "not allowed to tell the world before baby is 4 months in the belly". Heh.
We don't know if the ride to Hatyai could have been the cause of this miscarriage, but all we know now is that we would be extra careful with our second pregnancy and onwards.
So, thank you again for all your advise and kind words. We may not agree with all of them but we truly treasure each and everyone of it. We cannot wait to get pregnant again but for sure, we are going to be 1000% more careful :)
#tryagaineverynight #notgivingup #babytwocomingsoon #timetogethealthyandstrongagain
